Something Old, Somethin' Somethin' Somethin'

(This is a little bit I did a while ago for a teamblog I was involved with around this time last year. As it seems that blog has gone the way of Dodoes, Carrier Pigeons, Quality Children's Television and Critical Thinking... I present it for amusement and/or revilement purposes)

The Cheapness Of Nations (A Rebuttal)

While it has long been alluded that the French are indeed cheapskates, this, when applied to their drinking, is patently False.

The great existentialist author - Albert Camus - was often known to stand the entire discussion group a round when debating the pointlessness and futility of life. His reasoning was that since there was no inherent meaningfulness to existence, other than what you made of it - you might as well be drunk when you decided to give your life meaning.

Sartre, on the other hand, was regularly witnessed to beg off when it was his turn to buy, claiming he had to leave due to "Nausea". When this was later revealed to be the title of his manuscript - he was permanently banned from several taverns and cafes the exitentialists met at.

Toulose LaTrec, famous for his diminutive stature, predilection for ladies of negotiable affection, and the fruit of the grape, was also known to be an excellent tipper. While he was often too poor to leave monetary compensation for the amount of alcohol he consumed (and the service efforts of the staff of the establishments at which he indulged), he would often leave paintings and sketches as payment. Once even going so far as to paint the office of the owner of the Moulin Rouge with portraits of his favorite dancers as seen from his unique perspective. In later years, this was recognized as the first underwear catalogue ever created.
(Picasso would later steal this idea to eat for free all over Spain)

It is conjectured in Gastronomic Service circles that the origin of the French's reputation as poor tippers was an outgrowth of the feud between the Futurists and the Surrealists in the early 20th century.

The Futurists were often known to take over a restaurant, make exorbitant demands of the kitchen and waitstaff, and then leave hastily drafted political manifestoes outlining the frivolity of monetary compenstation in the coming workers paradise as exemplified in their artwork.

The Surrealists, whle acting in much the same manner, would leave hastily constructed tableaux as compensation - usually involving fish in derby hats, sewing machines draped in pasta, and rotten fruit impaled on railroad spikes.

When asked later as to which they preferred, the waitstaff invariably sided with the Surrealists, citing that you could at least eat the fish, even if it did in some odd way remind you of your mother.

The Futurists released the manifesto: "The Surrealists Are A Bunch Of Cheap Bourgeosie Jerks" in retaliation, and the Futurist Sympathizer Editor of the Food and Beverage section of Le Monde, the Parisian Newspaper, enabled the seeds of slander to be sown for the future.

The Surrealist rebuttal to these accusations: "Erotic Examination of an Umbrella" was only released in a limited folio braille edition and subsequently fell on deaf ears.

As time moved on, the Futurists fell into disrepute and the Surrealist movement gained recognition outside of France. As they began travelling abroad for the press junkets for the Surrealist Exhibitions, the negative image of the Surrelaists as laid down years before by their now-gone opposition preceded them.

One English Art Crtitic - Hawthrone J Windbloom, a failed Modernist sculptor and Futurist Sympathizer, managed to obtain, translate and release a revised edition of the accusatory manifesto, under the new title - "Unsettling Things Observed In Surrealist Art, And No, I Never Felt That Way About My Sister, Why Do You Ask". The central thesis being updated to the following:

The Surrealists (and henceforth ALL French) were rude, demented perverts, and also to cheap to paint good proper English things for the subject of their art.

Since England - even in the waning days of the Empire - set the standard for world opinion, the damage was permanently done to the French Reputation.

The French, with typical Gallic aplomb, then took it upon themselves to point out the stupidity of the gross generalization by proceeding to act as much like that as possible, hoping that the ironic intent of their actions would point out the fallacy of this accusation. Unfortunately - the subtleties of the French satire of their stereotype was misinterpreted by the world as the truth being revealed for all to see.

And the rest, as the cliche goes, is history.

Historians and Sociologists have recently announced findings that indicate that the cheapest people on earth when it comes to ANYTHING are in fact, the Dutch. It is now theorized that Amsterdam was created and is still maintained with the money that the Dutch saved by stiffing most of Europe on Tips and rounds of Drinks between 1460 and 1907.